Wednesday, January 22, 2003

so here i am again, feeling the reprecaustions of my own doing. i have lost my sense of self through another person. go figure. i am hoping that is will be the last time..but i know the fact is it will not be. i am who i am, and will continue to screw around with my own self as much as the next person....hell, why not, we only live once. i know, i am messed up, what can i say. the dude loves me yet continues to play with my heart like it was a child's toy.
i had a marvlous time in italy, found and conquered a man, worked, did what i needed to do, and now i am a student studying child and youth care....working p/t...and still fuckin around with the same person who drove me to make the decision to travel. such is life. i just cant get this person away from my heart. its like a child's security blanket....what can i see. i am deeply in love and EXTREMELY foolish with my heart. you would think that i know better by now.....NOPE.....lol
i feel like i have no one, not one person that will just be there without my having to ask. fuck them all. this life is bullshit, right now i feel like saying "on to the end life, PLEASE!!!" i wish it were that easy, its not though....i must learn to love and acceptance the consequences for loving, speak like i have never spoken and accept that YOU are the way you are....GO FIGURE......

todays philosophy: let go and let the good fuckin Lord do his job......

Monday, November 26, 2001

24 hours and counting until i board my flight to Frankfurt. i am so exhausted its not even funny. one thing after another for the last few weeks, well months and now its the crunch time. (i've taken a breather to write). what an adventure this is going to be. 2 mos of expanding my horizons. i will definetly miss all my friends, though i think i will be so busy it will make it easier for me.
the whole point of this trip is to leave everything behind, to fill my soul with life, and explore my souls possibilities, plus connect with family i haven't seen in years. i fly into Frankfurt after a 10.5 hour trip from Vancouver, with a 1.5 hour layover at the airport then I board another plane to Turin or Torino. everyone keeps telling me that i will not feel the excitement and energy until i get off the plane in Torino. Today my stomach is in knots.
MY journey is beginning. i will do my best to update this as least once a week.

~ the first step of a journey is to prepare your mind and soul and then leap forward!

Thursday, November 15, 2001

today, i had a great time with my cousin, its been awhile.
i haven't been able to figure out why i've been so empty inside, so alone, yet, i have so many friends, and people in my life. i keep neglecting the importance of quality time with self. for a person like me, who can only truly depend on myself, its so important to spend time alone, reading, writing, creating, dreaming....truly, i feel abit lost today. yet strangely connected to something. sometimes, i just wish, wish everything would just be alright for awhile. no struggling, no fights, no chaos, no trouble to solve, no tear to wipe away. just for a little awhile. i guess that's why this trip i am going on is so important. i need to be away from everyone who knows me, or thinks that they do anyways. its going to be my time, and my time only. i believe everyone at some point in their busy uproaring lives needs to take time away from everything and just be.
Just being is where i actually find myself. I am on a journey to find myself, my spirit, my connection to this world.

~Once our heart has connected with our mind, the rest is in God’s hands.


Sunday, November 11, 2001

fantasies vs. reality
who knew that fantasies of living a full can be so detrimental to ones life. i am a dreamer as i mentioned before, a full believer of fantasies. and when i say fantasies i don’t mean anything too out there. i mean having it all; a career that fills my mind, my creativity, my aspirations, a nice home, nothing too fancy, too extravagant, too over-whelming, just something that says “this is my home!”, a pet, a wonderful partner, a soul mate, and just about anything else i may desire. personally, with all the things I have gone through in my life i don’t see those things as unachievable. though, as it stand now, i have none of those things. and times like today, i find them further and further out of reach.
i had an incident last night, that put all my of fantasies aside, sitting at my waist- line, no longer a part of my heart and mind. as the conversation went on with this one particular person, the dreams that I believe so true, were slowing moving further and further south to non existence.
i realized then, how my fantasies and all the work i put into them, were nothing. all my hopes and goals, shattered. i mean, everything pretty much stayed the same, except for the biggest part. the soul mate part. the one thing that I seemed to make myself believe was the part that held everything together. the glue.
all my life i created this fantasy of sharing my life, and one day finally being able to find someone that was the exact opposite of all my life encounters. someone who didn’t abuse me, didn’t try to subject me to cruelty, who respected my outrageous personality, someone i COULD depend on, someone who worked just as hard as i do to improve their life. i thought i found that person, in fact, i did. I really and truly thought i did.
then reality, not my fantasy kicked in…
i am exhausted, exhausted of trying, exhausted of believing and being let down, exhausted of putting all my efforts into my fantasies and working for them, and then being disappointed. I AM EXHAUSTED!
i am going on a trip in a few short weeks, to air my aura of all this nonsense, to recapture my breath, to ground to soul, my creative mind. i am going to explore, to learn, to absorb, to connect, to take in everything fucking thing i can, and not to think or dwell on my journey up until this point in my present existence. i am going, going to be free.
I AM EXHAUSTED!
in the past month, i have lost my soul mate, lost my job, lost a friend, had surgery, been completely absorbed in illusions, and everything else has crumbed around me. and i believed, i loved, i worked my ass off, i was royal and trusting, i was healthy, i was dreaming, and being creative. back to square one!
it seems that two years for the past 6 years, i go through a cleansing phase. everything goes to shit, falls apart, and then miraculously it all comes together again. i guess, this my friends, is my cleansing phase and this trip, my outlet, to a new chapter of my journey in this world, as i am now. a few years ago, when all this started to happen, i was in such disaster, i decided to take a friends suggestion and i when to a medium. Ana-Silva, the medium, told me that i have some major lessons to learn before i am begin to reap the benefits this world has to offer me, and it would all come in multiples of three. she wouldn’t tell me what they were, go figure. another friend at the time, told me that i cursed myself by believing her. everything that Ana-Silva told, has come true.

i believe EVERYONE, white, black, brown, yellow, pink, green, and blue, has a purpose in life, and that each life we spend on this earth, (yes, i believe in reincarnation) we have a specific lesson or lessons to learn. we all start with a blue print from a spirit, and our spirits continue until we complete the blue print or outline we were sent out with all the beginning. we then start over again by helping others to achieve their own. or something along those lines. i haven’t quite put it all together yet. but that’s the basis of it all. anyways, my point being, it that i believe that in this life time of mine, i have many great lessons to learn, so i can in-turn help others achieve my lessons without actually having to go through the acts of it. i start out as the student and then become of the teacher. all in all, this is my reality as present time. and the fact that it makes it all a little easier to cope with doesn’t hurt any. but it certainly doesn’t make all the pain and sadness of it all disappear.

if we didn’t know sadness, would happiness really be happiness?

anything is possible, nothing is permanent. and absolutely nothing in this world happened by mistake.

Friday, October 26, 2001

well, as time now permits, i sit here in my "create-it" room (as i call it now) and develop what i hope to be, an interesting start to my published books. there are so many things i want to do, but never seem to do. so many adventures i desire to embark, but never get to them. through all of this recent chapter of my life, with all its ups and downs, i know see that my soul needs to do and embark on my passionate thoughts, and creative ideas. that is why i permit time now,...to do this, to start my most precious creation.
i guess sometimes fear swallows my soul whole. Fear of creating "garbage" (self-doubt), Fear of failing my dreams (self-doubt), Fear of never amounting to my fantasies.
my Fantasies...
i am the dreamer of all dreamers, the believer of all believers, the..........
i am so young, yet so old...
sometimes i wonder if i do dream to much, believe to much, trust to much....as others say.
i am young and old at the same time, Life has handed me what i believed to be too many cards, the hand of two players, though know i see it a little clearer.... i see it that my Creator has given me all the sadness, all the pain, all the emotional roller coaster to build to up and make me an incredibly strong, independent, and motived woman to fulfill my deepest desires.
i am a Beautiful, Spirited, and Inspired WOMAN...and that is not out of pride or ego or disillusion. it has taken me many years to see what people saw in me many years ago. through abuse, through loses so unthinkable,....i WAS broken...lost, scared shitless of what i would become. and through all the work i have done, i am happy, content, and working to make my dreams reality. because today, and maybe not tomorrow, i see myself whole again...as i was the day i was born.
i welcome you into my world, into my thoughts, to this page, hoping that you may find strength in the gifts others have helped me to achieve. you will learn to know me as i continue time to add pieces of the puzzle, and perhaps follow along with me on my journey, my path, that i am guided through.